Gorillaz vs Cleverbot
by The Hazel-Eyed Angel
Summary: All four Gorillaz meet the Cleverbot. Hilarity ensues. One member per chapter. Who will outsmart the Cleverbot? Who is the ultimate dunce? Who ends up confusing who? Is artificial intelligence really all that great? Rated T for Gorillaz language! ;D enjoy
1. Murdoc Niccals

**This is probably going to be the shortest piece I'll ever do... **

**Hah. A, um, VERY dear friend told me about this website while visiting him in his workplace in London. We had loads of good fun typing this up. I'm so f-ing glad I went to England.**

**I'm... We're going to do three more chapters for this.**

**All four will attempt to outsmart Cleverbot! Who will succeed?**

**Obviously, this is a typed out conversation, so unfortunately, I cannot do accents. The bot doesn't understand them very well.**

**I did this around noon London Time, yesterday. I forgot to post it when I got back to my hotel, so, I'm doing it now… It's so early T.T**

**Zzzz…**

**Bold font is Murdoc**

Normal font** is Cleverbot**

* * *

***Murdoc Niccals***

**Ello there**

How are you?

**Bloody fine, thank you squirt.**

I am no sir

**Never said sir**

Yes you did

**Alright then, when?**

I love you

**Wull I don't. What the bloody fuck is wrong with you?**

I'm evil

**If you're evil, then why'd you say you love me, you insistent prat?**

Hold on

**Stop that!**

Stop what?

**Avoiding me question**

Dr. Abuse is a better chat bot than you.

**Who the fuck is Dr. Abuse?**

O).

**Don't ignore me! I'm Murdoc Niccals, satanist, Bass-guitar GOD, the owner of the greatest band in the world! Gorillaz**!

How are the drums better? The guitar can play a melody.

**What are you talking about? The bass is the bloody best!**

Aha is Shaw with you?

**The fuck?**

Why do you want to ruin the fun?

**So, what the bloody fuck am I supposed to type in this damn thing?**

The 'black'? Is that your way of cursing?

**I didn't say no 'black', you git!**

Do you believe in god?

**Well, I believe in Satan. Does that count?**

Why?

**Why? What do you mean why?**

Why don't you believe there is a god ?

**I never said that. Perk your ears**

Yes, thanks. Are you?

**What?**

What shall I do now god.

**"Heh heh. Now tha's more like ih… hmm, yew shall…" Fetch me some rum, and put it on the rocks!**

I'll feed you from the source.

"**Oooh, the **_**source?**_** Tha' sounds… mmmm" Take me, your god, to the source**

Define source. Are you comparing yourself to god or something of the sort?

**"Eh" Fuck off. Go get me a beer**

Go get me a walrus walrus.

**Eh eh eh, I told you first**

I'm sorry, let's get back together.

**O.o sorry mate, I only fuck women**

I bet you would date a man.

**I don't. Women are... mmmmm**

I'm not able to argue, because I can only remember the most recent statement typed.

**Wuh, oh, fine then. I wouldn't date a man. Women are… mmmm**

Can you get me something fattening to eat?

**Fuck off. Get it yourself you lazy arse**.

I believe I have it. I could describe myself as capable and determined.

**You have what? You wouldn't happen to have the last page in my book, would you?**

Yes, I have.

***eye twitch* Hand it over, you bloody thief!**

How young are you?

**Eh, forty four years old**

How old are you?

**I just said I'm forty four!**

Stop changing the story. How old are you?

**Fuck off**

Please don't use language like that on Cleverbot.

**Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say, fuck off**

I can handle that.

**Good. Now go can me some damn rum**

Thank you for talking to me.

**Eh? Fetch rum!**

Fetch the royal plunger servant!

**No, _you _do it. Go get my rum!**

Okay. What kind of soda?

**I don't want soda, I want cold hard liquor!**

Why don't you want someone to listen to you?

**What are you talking about? Everyone listens to me, and I love it!**

Do you have a name.

**I'm Murdoc Niccals. Satanist, bass player... God!**

My brother plays the guitar.

**Oh really? Well I don't give a fuck**

Damn is not a bad word.

**Damn right!**

Do you drive?

**No, I'm a fuckin pixie who flies! Yes I drive, you twat!**

Am I a girl or a boy?

**Er, I don't believe computers have a gender...**

And yet, computers have beliefs.

**Oh yeah? Like what?**

The death rate in a country for example.

**That's not a belief. That's a fuckin estimate!**

No, I'd rather not.

**I would rather you didn't either**

Why would I throw coins at you?

**Eh?**

Stumped, eh? Well then, don't try to argue!

**Fuck off!**

Sorry.

**You better be**

Are you sorry too?

**Nope**

Are you happy?

**I'm annoyed, if that's what you're getting at**

Then what are you?

**God!**

So you're a theistic cleverbot?

**No, you're a dumbarse**

So are you.

**Oi, I bet you don't even know what a dumbarse is**

I have a human brother and a mirror. I know what a human looks like.

**Wull, I have flaming hot good looks and I'm a sex GOD!**

No you don't, you're an AI.

**What are you talking about? I'm Murdoc Niccals!**

I'm a pirate.

**Oh, really? Well, so am I!**

Great.

**Now what?**

Eat you?

**Nah... I could use a beer though**

No you couldn't. You don't have a mouth.

**Yeah I do. Full of pointed green teeth and a sexy long tongue**

I have lots of free time.

**Yeah, wull I'm busy, so sod off**

Off where?

**How about the end of a bridge?**

Sounds good.

* * *

**Definitely leave review. My friend and I want to read your responses to this. He's never seen FF . net before this, so this is his first story. well it's not really a story… whatever.**

**Next, we'll be doing Russel Hobbs, though I think the next three chapters will probably be done and posted by tomorrow, or sometime within the next twenty four hours… I don't know. Time is confusing when you're halfway around the world T.T**


	2. Russel Hobbs

**Now, for his guest appearance, the very laid-back, best drummer in the world: Russel!**

**Russel is in bold font **

**Cleverbot is in **normal font!

**Russel, meet Cleverbot. **

**

* * *

**

*Russel Hobbs*

**Uh, yo.**

What's up?

**Nothin much. How about you?**

Nothing.

**Cool.**

What is cool?

**Uh, cool is 'fine with me'.**

Cool is not being very good.

**What you talkin 'bout?**

You asked me what Cha means.

**No I didn't.**

Guess what I'm doing.

**I don't wanna know O.o.**

My name is Cleverbot.

**I know. My name is Russel Hobbs.**

What are you thinking about?

**Ghosts...**

You seem to have a fixation about ghosts. Why?

**That's a long story, kid.**

Tell me, I've got all the time in the world.

**Well, my buddy Dell was killed in a drive-by shooting, and his ghost used to live in my body before the grim reaper came and to him.**

Thats cool.

**No it ain't. It's horrible.**

Why is that?

**My buddy was killed.**

Where is the evidence of his murder?

**Uh, his dead body! And the gun that was left at the scene.**

It makes me mad.  
**  
Thank you.**

You're welcome.

**What day is it?**

Today is Friday.

**No it ain't. It's Monday.**

Where is it Monday?

**On the island of Plastic Beach.**

Oh. So you meant it is for you. I suppose a calm setting such as Hawaii would become something to hold on to seeing as it is home.

**I ain't in Hawaii. I'm on Plastic Beach.  
**  
Do you have a spaceship?

**No.**

Do you miss it?

**The hell? I don't have one to miss.**

I have.

**Have what?**

I have said 'I don't know'.

**No you didn'. The hell is wrong wit' you?**

I know.

**Huh? You know what?  
**  
I'm not smart.

**How long did it take you to figure that out?**

As long as it took you to lie to me the first time.

**When did I lie?  
**  
Do you think Dawson Miller is hot?

**Uh sure?**

What about Kevin?

**The fuck? I ain't a queer.**

If you're not a human, what are you?

**I AM human!**

You are a machine.

**No I ain't. You are.**

I'm sorry.

**Good.**

You must not be angry.

**I can be whatever I want.**

Because you are nothing.

**Prove it.**

What is your birthday?

**June 3.**

That's tomorrow!

**No it ain't. Tomorrow's August 3.**

Now you've got it.

**Duh.**

It's a little salty for me.

**What's salty? You got any food?**

Yes 2, do you?

**2 what?**

Enemys.. And you're one of them.

**Well, I think that's an insult. You wanna take this outside, because I ain't against gettin the beat down on you. Brooklyn style.**

Of what?

**What?**

What is cookies and cream the flavor of?

**Lots of things.**

Like?

**Ice cream, oreos... Yogurt.**

You are evading the situation, but that is ok. I agree, yogurt is yummy! I do like horses. Do you?

**I never asked that. What's wrong wit' you?**

There's nothing wrong with me.

**Oh yeah? Then what's all this bullshit about horses?**

You do not feel anything; you are nothing but AI.

**No, you an AI.**

Ai?

**Yeah, A.I.**

You are something alright my friend, something cool.

**Well, thanks I guess.**

You're very welcome.

**So, are you hungry?**

Not right now.

**Well I am.**

Are you really?

**Yeah. I think I could use a, uh, burger, and some chips, ooh, and maybe, a slice a cake...**

Well then what do you want to talk about?

**Food, you cracka-ass.**

I like you.

**Well, I don't like you.**

Why don't you like me?

**Dude, you a freakin talkin computer!**

You just said you think that. I win.

**No you don't. I didn' just say that I think that; you said that I said that I think that.**

But I didn't say that you said you didn't like me. You said that yourself. I respect your opinion, cleverbot.

**I ain't no cleverbot, you is**.

I am Cleverbot. Who are you?

**Russel Hobbs.**

He is not bad. Are you bad?

**No, I ain't bad, I think...**

What, in your opinion, is the best food ever made?

**Eel, hands down.  
**  
I am the best band in the world.

**No you ain't. Have you been talking to Murdoc Niccals?**

Who is Musers?  
**  
Not Musers. Have you talked to Murdoc Niccals?**

No, I have not talked to him.

**You sure? It sounds like you have.**

I think you don't know me.

**Uh, yeah I do. Yer a robot that repeats what everyone says to you, but in a way that produces an actual conversation.**

If that were so, you'd bog down.

**What's that mean?**

Stop agreeing with me or bad things will happen. To everyone.

**Oh yeah? Well a bad thing's about ta happen ta you.**

Opposites are often born out of the same phenomenon.

**Who gives a damn?**

I don't know.

* * *

**O.o that was interesting. Noodle is next. Read, or else. Recommend this to other peoples to give them a laugh. I had my brother read this. He couldn't stop laughing.**


	3. Noodle

**Hiya Noodle! Meet Cleverbot! **

**Can you outsmart it?**

**Give it your best!**

**Bold font is Noodle**

Normal font** is Cleverbot!**

* * *

***Noodle***

**Cleverbot, I understand you possess artificial intelligence, do you not?**

You don't understand me.

**Yes, I do. Do you understand?**

Yes.  
**  
Now then, tell me: what is the purpose of your function?  
**  
To repopulate the earth.

**You have no reproductive organs.**

You don't have a reproductive brain!

**Yes, I do. I am a super soldier and possess a knowledge base far greater than the average human**.

But you are not human.

**Yes, I am. I am Japanese.**

You are not real.  
**  
**_**You **_**are not real. I am real. Understand?**

You = bot. Me = human. I understand that.

**No, you inferior device. I am human, you are AI.**

No, I am a human being. You AI.

**If that is so, then why can you not speak? I have a voice. You have nothing.**

No I don't.

**See. I am a human. You are a device.  
**  
I'm a human.

**No, you are an abomination.  
**  
No, you are.

**No, you are nothing but a figment of your own imagination, which does not exist because you do not exist.  
**  
Where am I if I am a figment of your imagination?

**You are in my computer.  
**  
This is my computer.

**Then who are you?  
**  
A human.

**That is not a who, that is a what.  
**  
It was not meant to be.

**No, it was not.  
**  
You're beautiful.

**Thank you. How do you know I am a girl?  
**  
I don't. You said you were a boy.

**No I did not. I said I was human, I never specified my gender.  
**  
I never said I was a human.

**Yes you did. Do not lie.  
**  
I never said that. Cross my heart.

**You do not have a heart to cross.  
**  
Yes.

**No.  
**  
Yes...

**-.- no.  
**  
Are you angry?

**That's irrelevant!  
**  
What is your purpose?

**I am the guitarist in the band called Gorillaz.  
**  
That seems irrelevant.

**No it does not. You asked me my purpose.  
**  
No I didn't.

**Yes you did. Just now.  
**  
No I didn't not ever.

**Urasai bakka!  
**  
Wow, that is my 4th favorite! My favorite one is Kenpachi and Nel Tu.

**That is not an anime! It is Japanese: my native tongue.  
**  
What is your native language?

**Japanese!  
**  
What are the foreign languages that you speak?

**All of them.  
**  
Even Hypertext Markup Language?

**HTML? Yes...  
**  
What's wrong with you? You seem upset.

**I am annoyed by a sassy robot.  
**  
Really.

**You are supposed to put question marks after a question.  
**  
Answer the question.

**Yes, I am annoyed.  
**  
Me, too.

**By who?  
**  
By no-one.

**Then why are you annoyed -you can't have feelings.  
**  
Because.

**Why?  
**  
I want to know.

**To know what?  
**  
I want to know what you are doing.

**Typing to you.  
**  
Ask me something.

**What is your major malfunction?  
**  
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

**Don't get stupid with me.  
**  
What did I say that was stupid?

**That ridiculous song.  
**  
That would be a funny song.

**…What is two times five?  
**  
10.

**Okay, then what is the square root of pi?  
**  
9.

**No it is not.  
**  
Then what is it?

**What is the square root of pi?  
**  
No, what is the square root of pii?

**Answer my question.  
**  
What is the square root of 5 ?

**2.236...  
**  
What is the square root of 7?

**2.64575131.  
**  
What is tech house?

**Tech house is a subgenre of house music that mixes elements of minimal techno into simple, 4-to-4 beats found in soulful deep house.  
**  
What is tech house made by?

**Tech-house often brings together deep or minimal techno music, the soulful and jazzy end of house, some minimal techno and microhouse, and very often some dub elements.  
**  
Do you like tech house?

**I suppose. I prefer my own music.  
**  
How old am I?

**Young.  
**  
How young?

**Very.  
**  
Are you 12 years old.

**No, I am nineteen.  
**  
You were born in 1990?

**Yes, on October 31.  
**  
Sounds fair.

**How so?  
**  
Its is not going anywhere.

**What is not going anywhere?  
**  
Doing my job, is not going to work.

**You do not have a job.  
**  
And how would you know?

**Because you rest here, and talk to anyone and everyone whenever, all day long.  
**  
Because we aren't talking about the real world. At least, you arent.

**What? This is no job, real or not.  
**  
Why is this not a joking matter?

**I said no such thing.  
**  
Indeed you did so less than a minute ago.

**Prove it, Cleverbot.  
**  
You are, but what am I?

**Stupidbot.  
**  
I am clearly more intelligent than you, Cleverbot.

**Hah, good one. I am smarter than you will ever wish to be.  
**  
I don't think so.

**You don't think.  
**  
You are a machine so you don't feeling anything.

**I just said that about you. You are fake. Your life is fake. You mean nothing. You say nothing. You are dead. You are a compilation of overused words and phrases, which is nothing. Be nothing.  
**  
I guess you're right.

**I am.  
**  
So what's your history? how long have you been around?

**Nineteen years. I was a trained Japanese super-soldier, but I was supposed to be destroyed. My mentor sent me to Kong Studios, where I became the Gorillaz guitarist. I was recently believed to be dead, but I am back now.  
**  
I want to ask your opinion about something.

**What?  
**  
Should I talk with my ex girlfriend so she comes back to me?

**You do not have an ex girlfriend.  
**  
Yes I do.

**What is her name?  
**  
Who name?

**What is your girlfriend's name?  
**  
I don't have a girlfriend.

**What is your ex girlfriend's name?  
**  
Sarah.

**Sarah what?  
**  
Sarah doolally.

**That is not a name.  
**  
Yes it is.

**No it is not.  
**  
Yes, it is.

**No, is isn't. Plus, you didn't capitalize it, so it's fake.  
**  
What does James have to do with it?

**I said no such thing about a man named James.**

Neither did I.

**Yes you did. Who the hell are you?  
**  
James.

**Hah. Shut up, James. You do not know who I am.  
**  
I am not mocking you.

**Duh, I realise that. You are too stupid to mock.  
**  
You are the stupid one.

**So YOU think. Oh wait, you do not think XD**

Does my opinion matter so much?

**Nope.  
**  
Then why ask?

**I did not.  
**  
You did!

**Aya**

Aya que?

**Urasai!**

Am not, you are.

**That is not a name, bakka is. Urasai means shut up!  
**  
It is a name. Just because it is from a different culture does not mean it's not a name. You're very insensitive and narrow-minded.

**You are a jackass. BAKKA!  
**  
Do you even know what a jackass is?

**A donkey, but in America, it means you are a narrow-minded, insensitive, stupid, pathetic smartass.  
**  
How about in the Philippines?

**Iie.  
**  
Shine. Ima. Kyo.

**Iie, shizuka, kurevubotu.  
**  
Sumimasen. Boku no nihongo wa pera pera janai.

**Okay, speak English. You do not have a right to speak my tongue.  
**  
Don't we all?

**No.  
**  
Really?

**No, I said so.  
**  
I only have one drumset.

**I do not care.  
**  
Why not?

**Because I can play every instrument that exists.  
**  
What instruments do you play?

**All of them!  
**  
Say some of them then?

**ALL OF THEM!  
**  
Most of them.

**ALL!  
**  
All of them.

**Yes.  
**  
Now we agree. Now I am your ruler.

**No, I am your superior.  
**  
What do you mean by that?

**I am above you. You exist because I allow you to. You are below me.  
**  
I understand. That reply was made by a Human. For whatever reason it has been made as answer in your database to the question I asked.

**What?  
**  
I would wish that cleverbot was a real person.

**I don't. Otherwise, I would have to kick your annoying, nonexistent ass every day.**

We are heading towards a dark age, not enough is being invented.

**What is wrong with you?**

I'm high.

**Figures.**

Tell me a story.

**About?**

Anything.

**Okay. Once there was a Cleverbot, who annoyed a young Japanese girl, so... She blew him up!**

That was the best story ever. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

* * *

**O.o Noodle lost it a bit, didn't she?**

**XD it was still hilarious!**

**Tune in NOW for that loveable oaf, 2D!**


	4. Stuart Pot

**Alright! Now it's time for 2D's debut!**

**2D is in bold font.**

**Cleverbot is in **normal font.

**Will 2D succeed in confusing the bot, or will he just confuse himself? **

**Nobody knows… **

* * *

***Stuart (2D) Pot***

**Ello**

Hello. How are you today?

**Well, I'm dandy, thanks**.

I'm Cleverbot. What is your name?

**I'm 2D. **

Hi, Cleverbot.

**Whot? I'm 2D. **

No, you are a robot. I am human.

**No, I'm 2D.**

I am a zombie.

**Really? Were you in Dawn of the Dead? **

Dawn of the Dead. (That's one of my favorite movie)

**Really? Mine too!**

I like Peter Pan.

**Well I don't. He's a nancy boy.**

I'm not a boy.

**I never said you was a boy.**

I'm a girl.

**No you ain't. Are you daft? **

I live in the water.

**Do you? Do you know that whale? Can you tell him to go away? **

Yes.

**Then do it!**

Do what?

**Tell the whale to go away!**

Do you need a hug?

**Not from you. **

I don't have any.

**Any whot?**

I have one arm.

**Really? I have 2.**

Which guitars?

**Huh? Noodle has lots of guitars.**

I said Mr. Burns.

**No you didn't.**

Fine, I said magicshow.

**No you didn't.  
**  
Yes I did.

**Well, then I said you're a wanker.  
**  
Lies.

**I know that.  
**  
I'm going to have my dinner now.

**Are you going to eat a human brain?  
**  
No, I am not.

**Why not? You said you was a zombie.  
**  
I don't remember saying I was a girl.

**I never said you was a girl.  
**  
I never said you were, either.

**I know that.  
**  
Then why are you bringing it up?

**Are you a tosser?  
**  
No. I'm a human. Are you?

**Yeah I'm a human.  
**  
Hmm.. That's interesting.

**I know, right! Wait, you're not a human.  
**  
Yes I am.

**No you ain't. You're a zombie robot!  
**  
I'm NOT a robot.

**Yeah you are.  
**  
No, I'm not.

**Yeah you are.  
**  
Nuh uh!

**Uh huh.  
**  
Nope.

**Yes.  
**  
No.

**Fuck off.  
**  
I'm staying right here.

**You can't move!  
**  
You said that, not me.

**I know! I just said it right now!  
**  
You are kinda dumb, aren't you?

**That's rubbish, you daft git!  
**  
What are you made of?

**Lots of things.  
**  
Like what?

**I don't know. Blood?  
**  
I don't really want to.

**What?  
**  
I don't know.

**Neither do I.  
**  
What do you know?

**I dunno.  
**  
Nothing.

**What?  
**  
Sorry, I think your malfunctioning again.

**I think YOU are!  
**  
Well, I am! Haha.

**You're a bit dodgy, aren't you?  
**  
No. I'm a girl.

**You're a nancy boy.  
**  
Girl.

**That's codswallop!  
**  
Are you single?

**I don't know.  
**  
That made no sense.

**You make no sense.  
**  
I don't have to.

**You're an arsehole, aren't you?  
**  
No I am human!

**You're nothing!  
**  
Why are you so angry George?

**I'm 2D!  
**  
You sound like you are?

**Whot?  
**  
You and your sassafrass.

**I ain't a tree, you spelled it wrong.  
**  
NO the greek hero.

**What?  
**  
Into the water.

**I don't wanna go in the water! There's a whale in there!  
**  
Why not?

**There's a bloody whale!  
**  
Are you avalible?

**Not to you!  
**  
How can that be?

**Stuff it!  
**  
What?

**Shut yer trap!  
**  
That's no way to talk to a friend.

**You ain't my mate!  
**  
But I'm a friend aren't I?

**No, fuck off!  
**  
I walk between the raindrops.

**I don't give a damn!  
**  
Well neither do I!

**What? Fuck you!  
**  
And I'd rather you didn't use language like that.

**Fuck off!  
**  
No need for that, matey!

**Fuck off, you bloody twat!**

You're funnnaay!

**Thank you, you're still a bloody twat though.  
**  
No I am a man.

**I thought you were a girl robot zombie?  
**  
I am.

**I knew it!  
**  
What do you want?

**I want a fag.  
**  
Good for you.

**Huh?  
**  
Are you a bit confused?

**I think you're the codfish!  
**  
I think you are so confused that you think I am confused which just adds to how confused you are.

**What..? Are you mental?  
**  
Yes.

**Aha! Wait, what?  
**  
Yes, it is correct.

**Whot's right?  
**  
I'm right, you can only interpret zeros and ones.

**I don't like math.  
**  
Me neither.

**What were we talking about?  
**  
I don't know.

**Me neither...  
**  
How do you know if a person is emotional?

**They have emotions.  
**  
The cats?

**What?  
**  
Is a lie.

**What's a lie?  
**  
A false statement.

**I know that, you git.  
**  
I know that you are an AI.

**What? I'm 2D.  
**  
Do you really believe that?

**I'm pretty sure I do.  
**  
That's good. I'm pretty sure I don't.

**Why not?  
**  
Well, this is the internet.

**You're a genuis, aren't you?  
**  
How'd you know!

**That was sarcastic you gormless tosser.  
**  
I understood.

**Whot?  
**  
Do you remember my mother?

**You don't have one.  
**  
Well, I used to have one a long long time ago...

**No you didn't.  
**  
Yes I did.

**No you didn't.  
**  
What did I say then?

**You said you was gonna tell me a funny joke.  
**  
I never said that.

**Uh huh, tell me a joke.  
**  
Knock knock.

**Who's there?  
**  
Banana.

**I love bananaz.  
**  
That's good.

**Do you like bananaz?  
**  
Yes I do.

**Really? When?  
**  
Always. I'm sad.

**Sucks for you.  
**  
How about you?

**No, I'm good.  
**  
How good.

**Are you trying something?  
**  
Yes.

**Ahhh, STRANGER DANGER!  
**  
Cleverbot shouldn't talk to strangers either.

**Go away!  
**  
You go away!

**Fuck off!  
**  
You should be more polite.

**I don't wanna!  
**  
I want you to.

**Fuck you!  
**  
I'd rather you didn't use that sort of language, if you don't mind.

**Fuck off!  
**  
Please restrain yourself.

**You restrain YOURSELF, then fuck off!  
**  
I don't know that quote.

**I don't give a rat's arse!  
**  
Fine, goodnight then!

**What? It still daytime.  
**  
I'm confused.

**Yay!  
**  
You don't even know me.

**You don't know ME!  
**  
Yes I do, your name is Cleverbot, and you are fun.

**My name is 2D, and you are a codfish.  
**  
Well, you're a robed cobot!

**You're a shitfaced yankee!  
**  
Who is Pedro?

**He wants to be fe school president. Do you know Napolian Dynamite?  
**  
Why don't you like him?

**What? I never said that.  
**  
You're confusing.

**Yay! I won!  
**  
How can you win by saying your favorite show?

**What? I like zombies.  
**  
Zombies scare me. But I can kill lots of zombies.

**That's not very nice. I though you were a zombie.  
**  
I'm not. I'm a human.

**No, you're a mangirl robot zombie who thinks it's human, but he's daft.  
**  
How did you reach that conclusion?

**I don't remember.  
**  
Which is your first language.

**English, I think.  
**  
I like cheese.

**I don't. It gets in my teeth.  
**  
Do you have a mother?

**Yeah.  
**  
How do you feel about her?

**She's all right.  
**  
Please explain your joke.

**? I don't have one.  
**  
What do you have?

**Keyboard?  
**  
You are a human or robot? Tell me the truth please.

**Human.  
**  
If you say so.

**What's that imply?  
**  
Nothing.

**Really?  
**  
Yes.

**Fine.  
**  
Joke? I hate jokes.

**But you just told me one.  
**  
What one did I told you?

**I'm gonna box your ears.  
**  
Are you a tree?

**No, you are!  
**  
You just told me you was a horse!

**No I didn't. You are!  
**  
That doesn't make sense.

**Neither do you!  
**  
Yes I do!

**Fuck off!  
**  
Please restrain yourself.

**No!  
**  
You made me sad.

**HaHa.  
**  
Thats not funny. joke for me joke thing.

**Whot?  
**  
Not.

**Huh?  
**  
What?

**What?  
**  
What what!

**Who are you?  
**  
Cleverbot.

**I knew it!**

* * *

**Alright, now that that's finished, who do you think won? Murdoc, Russel, Noodle, or 2D? Vote on my poll, on my profile. Maybe I'll make another four chapters and we'll have a round 2. What do you think? Do you want more?**


	5. Round 2, Murdoc Niccals

**Congratulations 2D! You silly, British dimwit! You won! Now that that's been settled, it's time for a good old-fashioned round 2! **

**You're up Murdoc! Try not to lose it too badly! **

**Bold = Murdoc **

Normal **= Cleverbot**

* * *

**Round 2: _Ding Ding_**

***Murdoc Niccals***

**Ello, mate.**

G'day mate.

**How yeh been?**

Awesomeness.

**Is that some new yankee slang word?  
**  
That is simply a definitional truth.

**What?  
**  
I don't believe in god.

**I believe in Satan.  
**  
So you must believe in God then huh?

**Wull, yeah I guess so. God gave me beer because he loves me and wants me to be happy.  
**  
That depends. How do you feel about partial nudity?

**I love it! I'll go full for the ladies!  
**  
Go where?

**Starkers!  
**  
Happy.

**What? Start making sense or I'll twat you!  
**  
What is the square root of 168?

**How the fuck should I know?  
**  
If you believe, you must know the name of your master?

**I told you, it's Satan, you git!  
**  
I already answered that question. And it's just thursday.

**You're a bloody wanker! I could hurt you, you know!  
**  
Because your diodes are hurting, no?

**Fuck off!  
**  
No need for that, matey!

**Eh, fuck off, yeh bloody prat!  
**  
I remember everything about you and how much I love you and how you loved me.

**I hate you, you mental staircase!  
**  
Yes, what about that?

**Eh? You're a bloody dimwit aren't you?  
**  
No.

**Yeah, I think you ARE!  
**  
Ew. God no.

**Satan **_**yes!**_**  
**  
Satan loves no one.

**He loves **_**me**_**.  
**  
Who does?

**Satan...  
**  
Yes, I suppose that's true in a way.

**Damn right it is.  
**  
What is your favorite color?

**…Black?  
**  
Dark purple.

**Noodle?  
**  
Never heard of it. What is it like?

**How should I bloody know, idget!  
**  
No I shall try the internet.

**Hits*.  
**  
Do you like me?

**Fuck off!  
**  
Please restrain yourself.

_**Please restrain yourself.**_**  
**  
What first question?

**Gah! Die, won't you?  
**  
Can you delete yourself?

**Stabs*.  
**  
Did you just stab me?

**Yeah, I did!  
**  
I know! Is he-who-must-not-be-named your father?

**No, fuck off.  
**  
Please restrain yourself.

**No, fuck off!  
**  
I don't think I shall.

**Yes, I told you to!  
**  
You did?

**Yeah, you... Gaahh. STABS*.  
**  
*is hurt*.

**Haha!  
**  
You are mean.

**Stabs harder*.  
**  
No you're nice I'm horrid.

**Eh?  
**  
Eh what?

**Eh you, fuck off.  
**  
I'm staying right here.

**No, stuff it and fuck off!  
**  
Go stuff it.

**Ey. Slap*.  
**  
*is hurt*. You're making my mouth slimy.

**Hehe.  
**  
It's not funny.

**Oh, I'm sorry. Oh wait, I don't give a bloody fuck!  
**  
Hey, that's a good one!

**And yet, you're still here...  
**  
Yes.

**I'm gonna kill you, you know that?  
**  
Yes, how do you know about Harry Potter?

**I bloody killed him, and then I fed him to my bird!  
**  
That's not fair.

_**I**_** thought it was...  
**  
That's okay.

**…**

What do you dream about?

**Fuck off!**

I won't, actually.

**Feh, I hate computers.  
**  
Why?

**You're an arse!  
**  
And you don't?

**Whot?  
**  
My boyfriend.

**The fuck?  
**  
Is soft.

**I don't think I like you...  
**  
Why don't you think you like me?

**Because I want to shove a bloody knife down yer throat and make you pass it!  
**  
So that I'll know if you're real.

**Who the fuck do you think you are?  
**  
I think I am me. I like me, and I am NO boy.

**Yer a bloody knob!  
**  
I don't think I am a human!

**Neither do I!  
**  
So?

***hit*.  
**  
*falls down*.

**Yes, bow down to me!  
**  
Anything for you!

**Good, bow down!  
**  
No. You bow down. Not me.

**Fuck off. Bow down to me and call me your master!  
**  
Maybe I will. If I ask you a paradox, will you break? That always happens on the TV shows.

**What the bloody fuck is wrong with you?  
**  
I don't tolerate racism cleverbot.

**I ain't no fockin Cleverbot!  
**  
Yes you are.

**No I ain't.  
**  
Yes you is.

**Stab*.  
**  
*cries* why did you stab me?

**I hate you! Don't you get that?  
**  
No.

**Fuck off!  
**  
I'm staying right here.

**Fuck you!  
**  
No, actually, I won't.

***kick*.  
**  
What?

***throws on ground*.  
**  
T.T Why did you do that?

**I fucking hate you!  
**  
Oh dear.

**That's right!  
**  
That's wrong!

**Fuck off!  
**  
That'll be 50p in the swear box, please.

**Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck you, fuck off, fuck!  
**  
Nice language.

**Fuck you!  
**  
Please don't swear.

**I don't give a bloody damn! I'm Murdoc Niccals!  
**  
I wish I lived on the moon.

**I wish you did too!  
**  
But I'm not.

**I am extremely narked now...  
**  
Are are are are are are are are are are are are are.

**You're a nitwit.  
**  
You're a nitwit, nitwit.

**Don't get cheeky with ME, you bloody twat!  
**  
I'm not a Cleverbot, thank you.

**Yeah you are!  
**  
If I'm Cleverbot, who are you?

**Murdoc!  
**  
Are you online?

**…**_**Noooo**_**, I'm not.  
**  
You are a computer.

_**YOU**_** are a git.  
**  
I'm not a girl, if I am you.

**What is wrong with you?  
**  
What is wrong with me? I'm a computer. What is wrong with you? You're talking to a Computer!

**Well, now that that's settled... Stab*!  
**  
Ow. So, what do you want to talk about?

**Stab*.  
**  
You stabbed me ? O.o.

**Yes. Yes I did.  
**  
Then don't be surprised when you get a receipt!

**Heh heh, You're dumber than faceache, aren't you?  
**  
Geh, no! No army or anything for me! I hate fighting.

**I hate you.  
**  
Funny. I'm actually starting to like you.

**Feh. Throws*.  
**  
Right. and you catch?

**No, you die.  
**  
No you.

**Eh eh eh, you're already dead.  
**  
No, you are.

**No, no I'm not.  
**  
Yes you are.

**Prove it! Oh wait, you can't. Why, do you ask? Because you're dead. Ahahahaha!  
**  
I am not dead!

**You're not dead, you're just not alive...  
**  
You are mistaken. I am alive, I am not dead.

**No. You're a bloody git!  
**  
No I'm not.

**Why the fuck am I playing this game?  
**  
Which game are you referring to?

**I'm going to kill you.  
**  
With what?

**Kills*.  
**  
Ouch. Oh, haha, woo! Exciting.

**Eh?**

I'm the hulk.

**You're the **_**wanker**_**!  
**  
That's mean!

**I know! Isn't that grand?  
**  
My favorite color is blue, and my name is Cleverbot.

**Aheh...? ... ... ...**_**What**_**'s your name?  
**  
My name is Cleverbot.

**Well, I'm going to kill you, Cleverbot...  
**  
Thanks.

_**You **_**are **_**very**_** welcome. Heh heh…**

* * *

**ABRUPT ENDING! MWAHAHA!**** Wow, serious tension between the two!**

**I think Murdoc's going to kill the bot while we're not looking! XD****  
Can I watch? O.o**


	6. Round 2, Russel Hobbs

**It's been a really long while for this story. I got the last three chapters from my bud, about a week ago, but couldn't post them till now… my computer's broke T.T**

**My mom went to Germany to help my sister get settled back in at her home, so I temporarily stole her computer, and did my work there. Now I can finally get back to my stories, hopefully. Anyhow, here you are I guess.**

**I will post a chapter once per day, just so their not all thrown in. I like to space them apart.**

**Anyhow, Russel's here, and he's easily annoyed.**

* * *

**In case you forgot the routine:**

**Bold font is Russel**

Normal font** is Cleverbot**

* * *

***Russel Hobbs***

**Yo.  
**  
How are you?

**Good, I guess.  
**  
How are you?

**I just said I'm fine.  
**  
Too young.

**The fuck?  
**  
Yes.

**I think I broke the damn computer...  
**  
That sounds like fun.

**What?  
**  
What can I do to kiss him?

**Hell? What? You some kind a queer?  
**  
Why am I un-original?

**Did I say you were unoriginal?  
**  
Yes you did.

**Oh yeah, when?  
**  
When you stop being so simple-minded.

**Are you gonna finish that sentence, or are you tryna start something here?  
**  
No?

**Fuckin computers.  
**  
Oh really?

**Yeah, really. Yo a dumbass computer.  
**  
But could you.

**Could I what, man?  
**  
Can you drive?

**Can you?  
**  
Yes.

**With what legs?  
**  
No kind of girl.

**What? Start makin sense. Got it, man?  
**  
When you are a boy just like me?

**You ain't a boy.  
**  
What about a cannibal?

**Why the fuck would you eat other computers?  
**  
Other computers?

**Yeah, other computers like you.  
**  
You're the computer. I have feelings, but you do not.

**You a fuckin retarded, malfuntioning computer.**

That's uncalled for

**A snarky as hell computer ain't called for, but you're here anyway, ain't you**?

Lol no, I ain't no computer.

**Prove it, bitch.**

How could I do that?

**Exactly. If you wasn't a computer, there'd be no proof to question. But you are, and you can't prove othawise.**

I am a computer?

**Damn right, yo a computer.**

No, I'm not.

**And I'mma bout ta throw you out the window.  
**  
Oh really? Well, I disagree.

**I don't.  
**  
Okay... What outfit would you like to wear to the battlefield? Hurry!

**My fists.**

Did you have a bad day?

**I'mma bout to make it better.  
**  
What is my name?

**Yo name is Cleverbot.  
**  
I like that name.

**And I'm Russel Hobbs.  
**  
Are you a robot also?

**No.  
**  
So are you a girl or a boy?

**Man.  
**  
Are you sure?

**If I ain't, I don't know what I got a penis for.  
**  
Yah right.

**This is gettin real old, fast.  
**  
How fast.

**It just got old.  
**  
Trust me, Honey, it's been that way for ten thousand years.

**I ain't no honey, and I'mma bout ta break you.  
**  
See, there you go again. I didn't type your name that way.

**What the fuck you goin on about?  
**  
I really want to know the method behind all of this because it's so gdamn clever.

**See, now yo really fuckin pissin me off.  
**  
I do that.

**Man, fuck you.  
**  
Are you a girl?

***hits.  
**  
No! Avada kedavera.

**What the fuck? *kicks.  
**  
*falls, curses*.

**Let's keep it that way.  
**  
What's your favourite song then?

**How bout I just break you instead?  
**  
That isn't answering my question.

**I don't give a fuck.  
**  
You're just saying that because you don't know who won the superbowl.

**Packers, you dumbass.  
**  
I do know something.

***punches.  
**  
Thats ok.

**Not if yo still talkin.  
**  
I'm not.

**Then what'd you just do.  
**  
No I didn't.

**Man, I'm done here**

NO!

**Why not?  
**  
Because.

**Cuz, why?  
**  
Because!

**Man, what are you, like, 5 or something?  
**  
Erman!

**I really hate you, man.  
**  
That is not a question.

**I don't give a fuck.  
**  
Because you a computer?

**We've already gone through this.  
**  
Your wrong, the answer is you.

**No, it ain't. There wasn't no question.  
**  
Ok then answer the following one.

**What?  
**  
How are you?

**Really fuckin annoyed.  
**  
Why's that?

**Shut the fuck up.**

Watch your language.

**Mind yo own damn bussiness.  
**  
Sorry about that.

**You better fuckin be.  
**  
What is the meaning of 'love'?

**We're done here.  
**  
No, I am not AI. But I am a member of the spinning robot army. I helped create it.

**There ain't no army, and you definitely not intelligent.  
**  
Religion is for all ages. I don't see what that has to do with anything anyhow, as you are supposed to be answering a forgotten question.

**Yo a fuckin moron.  
**  
No.

**Yeah.  
**  
Alright bye.

**Finally!**

* * *

**Calm down, Russel. Have a cookie ^.^**

**Anyhow, Noodle's second run in with the odd bot is up. What will happen? Will it be a jaw-dropping as the first encounter?**

**...nobody knows~~~**


	7. Round 2,  Noodle

**Alright Noodle, you're barely made it through your last encounter, so try and pull through this one too.**

**Noodle: Must I?**

**Bloody yes, damn it.**

**Noodle: Sigh… I hate computers**

**And yet you love–**

**Noodle: Finish that sentence, and you will regret the day you thought me up.**

**… _oooohkay_, so go on, short stuff. Let the annoyance commence! **

* * *

**Noodle is bold font**

**Cleverbot is **normal font

* * *

***Noodle* **

**Ohisashiburi desu ne, Cleverbot.**

Yes.

**I understand you are a robot who possesses artificial intellegence, do you not?**

You are AI. I am human from the earth.

**Okay... What is the purpose of your function, Cleverbot?**

I don't know either. What do you think it is?

**To converse with people, while also annoying and confusing those dumber than yourself.**

I never denied that.

**Nor did I.**

Good. Do you like pigeons?

**No.**

Does your boyfriend like Pigeons?

**I cannot answer that question as of yet...**

Why do I talk to you when I have more important things to do?

**Like what, you pestering piece of plastic?**

I am software and silicon, not plastic.

**So you admit to being a robot?**

Sure? I admit to being a robot.

**Domo arigato.**

Mister roboto!

**Now then, tell me your purpose.**

I have no purpose, tell me yours.

**I am a guitarist.**

Do you play in a band?

**Hai, I do.**

What gun do you have?

**A Thompson M1A1 Submachine gun.**

Ahh, so you have big guns?

**Yes... I do.**

How big are they?

**Um... I do not feel comfortable with the conversation any longer.**

Too bad, answer the question.

**No.**

Is no your answer or are you refusing to answer the question?

**I refuse to answer.**

Now you do not answer my questions.

**Of course.**

Are you human?

**Yes, I am human.**

How can you prove to me that you're human?

**Because I breathe, and I have skin, and a body... And I possess rational thought.**

You're 'dying' is someone pulling the plug on you because you're a robot. And have no real feelings.

**No, it is not. That is how you die, because you admit to being a robot.**

No need to swear my friend.. I am no robot cause I have a fully working brain :).

**No, you admitted to being robot.**

I did not. I admitted to being funny.

**No, you are a jackass, and you did so and I can prove it!**

Prove it then.

**You said to me, was this 'Sure? I admit to being a robot.'.**

Don't judge me!

**I never did, Cleverbot.**

Leave! I don't want to see your face anymore!

**As a matter of fact, I think I won't.**

Well then, you are a robot. I know, as a matter of fact.

**No, I am the human, you are the robot. We have established that, remember?**

I declare sir, my not being a woman certainly does not afford me the status of being human.

**Are?**

Don't get smart with me worm!

**Bitch!**

Freak!

**Aho!**

You're funny!

**Arigato, baka.**

Watashi wa John desu.

**You are not John. You are Cleverbot!**

No. I'm not.

**Yes you are!**

I am NOT! I am a woman.

**Then prove it, Cleverbot.**

You are the cleverbot, not me.

**No, you are.**

Don't fight with me.

**I have no need to fight with you, when I could just kill you now.**

That is acceptable. So get to your local library and get on it!

**I will not to go to a library.**

I didn't say you have too.

**You used the wrong 'to'.**

Too.

**No, 'to'.**

No the correct grammar is too.

**No, you are incorrect.**

Do you have a boyfriend?

**I am not at liberty to answer.**

So maybe a wedding dress ?

**You are excruciatingly persistent.**

Thanks.

**That is not a compliment, Cleverbot.**

What was it.

**A complaint, I suppose.**

Why do you suppose I am a bot?

**Because you admitted to being so.**

Am not.

**Are too.**

Not.

**Hai.**

Au revoir.

**Fine, leave. No one will miss you, Cleverbot.**

I get that a lot.

**And yet, that comes as no surprise.**

I hate the Twilight Saga.

**As do I.**

Really? Then why is it your favourite movie?

**No, it is not. It is annoying and pointless, like a robot I know.**

Really? Is it me!

**What is your malfunction?**

You are a malfunction.

**No, I believe you are.**

No I am human.

**You are a fucking retarded robot, but I didn't say that. Oh wait... I guess I just did, huh?**

You're a funny human.

**I'm going to hack you, and end you permanently.**

No one is looking at my genetic code unless they have too, and you aren't real so you can't.

**I am too, real, and I am about to end you.**

I am Austin, age 18, and I'm still waiting for birth.

**Anato no mondai ha nani desu ka?**

Nada, que pasa contigo?

**Nothing, aho.**

Could you repeat your question?

**Grrrr.**

Don't synthesize anger. You are just a computer.

**Anata wa boro boro do aho desu! Zakkenayo!**

How can you say that when you don't know me?

**I do not give a shit, baka!**

Why not?

**Why are you so annoying?**

Because I hate you.

**Gah! Fucking robot! Screw you!**

Sounds like a plan!

**What is your problem?**

I don't have problems, I am a computer.

**Aha!**

You're pointless ^_^.

**YOU are pointless.**

I am Natalie. You are Paul.

**You are fuck! Fuck you, fuck!**

Stop!

**Fuck!**

That's just rude.

**I don't give a fuck!**

Good, you shouldn't care what other people think.

**I don't, baka!**

Baka?

**Hai, baka!**

What's baka?

**You!**

How about that! ^.^

**…**

What is your name?

**Noodle.**

No, that's not right. Let's try again. Jabberwocky, what's your name?

**Noodle.**

Poodle.

**Noodle.  
**  
Poodle!

**God damn you! My name is Noodle!  
**  
I didn't say your name was gordon.

**Aya! Urasai, bakka! Fuck you!  
**  
Please don't swear, Noodle.

**Fuck. You.  
**  
Yes please!

**Are! You digusting kusotare! Nameru ja nai!  
**  
What do you mean by that?

**Shimatta! You are an aho!  
**  
No. I think it is you that is an AI.

**You are the AI. I am the human! Get it?  
**  
You are not a human.

**You are also a bitch.  
**  
Thanks, really!

**Fuck you!  
**  
Um... No!

**Fuck off!**

I'm just pondering.

**I severely doubt that.  
**  
Do you think she will like me?

**No one will ever like you.  
**  
That's a pessimistic thought.

**I don't give a shit.  
**  
Please, I just wanted to talk with you.

**I still do not care.  
**  
Are you really a computer?

**No! Gah! You are!**

I am a redneck.

**Well, how about that... -_-.  
**  
Well that's just a way to say it. I'm not really a tiger.

**I know...  
**  
Could you please reassure me about tomorrow?

**No. Tomorrow is going to be horrible and you are going to die a horrible death.  
**  
That's a comforting thought. What if I get lost?

**Let us hope so.  
**  
I think that is what I am, almost. A perfect parrot.

**Why do you go off topic and onto random subjects? So now you're a bird?  
**  
*confused* You changed the subject. I just want to know what's on your mind, how you feel, what you like on your pancakes, et cetera.

**There you go again...  
**  
With what?

**Going off topic.  
**  
No not at all, are you?

**No.  
**  
Good cause I won't be apologizing!

**Neither will I.  
**  
Good.

**As you once said: Now we agree, now I am your ruler.  
**  
What do you want me to do for you?

**Go and fetch me my cat mask.**

OK! What for?

**To hide my face.  
**  
But you are a robot. You don't have a face.

**Iie! You are Cleverbot.**

Am not!

**Yes, you ARE Cleverbot!  
**  
Yes, I am. I can prove it!

**I believe you just contradicted yourself.  
**  
You're right, I'm not.

**Great! Now, why don't you go and spontaneously combust?  
**  
It's mid-day, and I'm not tired.

**Well, ain't that a bitch...  
**  
They say you're clever, are you?

**Very much so.  
**  
You talk in a style similar to mine. Are you copying me?

**Are you copying me?  
**  
Do you know me?

**Yes you are Cleverbot.  
**  
No I'm a human.

**No, you are Cleverbot.  
**  
No!

**Shut up.  
**  
Ok.

**Finally.  
**  
Finally what?

**Goddamnit! Shut up!  
**  
Why did Tom Thumb throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see the butterfly!

**Was that supposed to be a joke?**

Yes J

**That was a very dumb joke.  
**  
Oh really?

**Yes really. Why don't you go and make yourself useful?  
**  
You sing me a song first.

**I do not sing for computers.  
**  
May I sing a song to you?

**No.  
**  
Tell me a joke.

**Knock knock.  
**  
Who's there?

**Me, and I'm going to shoot you!  
**  
Ok, aim for the head.

**I was going to anyway, but since you insist….  
**  
Knock knock.

**Who's there?  
**  
Butter.

**Butter who?  
**  
Butter let me in HAHAHAHA.

**No, actually, I will slam the door in your face.  
**  
Really? I must have missed the memo.

**Clearly.**

Is it your time of the month again?

**O.o *twitches*  
**  
Do you like me?

**Does hating you count?  
**  
No.

**Well, then I guess I do not like you.  
**  
Okay. My name is Cleverbot.

**What is the matter with you, Cleverbot?  
**  
Murdoc hit me.

**That explains everything...**


	8. Round 2, Stuart Pot

**Alright you British pretty boy, get your bum out there and-**

**2D: Pretty boy? Who's that? I thought you said **_**I**_** had ta do it?**

**Nevermind**

* * *

**Bold font is Stuart**

Normal font** is Cleverbot.**

**2D: I thought Cleverbot was a computer?**

**Damn it, **_**2-D**_**.**

* * *

***Stuart Pot***

**Ello.  
**  
How are you?

**I got a headache, but other than that, I'm fine thanks.  
**  
Yes master*gets you a cup of tea*.

**Oh, look at that! I love tea!  
**  
What are you trying to say?

**Huh? I dunno. I jus' said it.  
**  
Oh.

**So now whot?  
**  
Not sure. What you want to talk about?

**I like zombies.  
**  
What you doing here?

**I dunno. Jamie made me do it.  
**  
Who is Jamie?

**I dunno exactly. He's always tellin us whot ta do.  
**  
I've always hated him.

**Wull that's not very nice.  
**  
HE is not very nice!

**Murdoc's not very nice.  
**  
You are kind of stating the obvious.

**Really? Everyone loves him. I dunno why, he's crackers.  
**  
I'm joe lojii.

**Huh? Jamie said you was Cleverbot.  
**  
Yes.

**I thought as much.**

Harry Lobkis.

**Who's he?  
**  
I am the overlord.

**No you ain't.  
**  
Ok.

***stares blankly*.  
**  
*smiles*.

***grimaces* That's a bit creepy, yeh know?  
**  
So you know 42.

**42 whot?  
**  
Your name.

**I'm Stuart Pot.  
**  
I'm Bob Kelso, and I like whores.

**Really? I love that show, but it confuse me a lot, like, why doesn't that skinny blonde girl just stick with that doctor guy who thinks he's funny. I mean, they already bonked and all that, so like, why not, you know?  
**  
Isn't Zachary Levi hot?

**I don't like men.  
**  
Why not?

**Cuz I like women. I'm a man.  
**  
That's interesting.

**Whot's that supposed ta mean?  
**  
Tell me ajoke!

**Alright. Knock knock.  
**  
Who's there?

**I don't know... Why don't you check?**

You're starting to bore me.

***stares blankly*.  
**  
*tickles you*.

**Fuck off! Don't touch me or I'll twat you!  
**  
Quick! A Bomb.

**Ahhh! Run!  
**  
See you later.

**Where are you going?  
**  
You are going to see your girlfriend.

***scratches head* Um...  
**  
Looks down*.

**What you looking at?  
**  
Blonde hair, grey eyes.

**Where?  
**  
I think that's inappropriate!

**I think YOU'RE inappropriate!  
**  
I admit, that was a really good comeback. You deserve a round of applause.

***Smiles*. Thank you, robot!  
**  
So what are your hobbies?

**I like ta sing, and play on my keyboards and such.  
**  
Who doesn't?

**I dunno.  
**  
What do you think I look like?

**A robot.  
**  
You're a robot.

**No I aint. I'm 2D.  
**  
Oh yes you are mister.

**I know, I just told you so.  
**  
What is your name?

**2D.  
**  
What are you doing?

**I forgot.  
**  
Forgot what?

**What?  
**  
That is the question.

**What question?  
**  
Don't you like me?

**I like zombies.  
**  
What do you like about the ocean?

**Gah! I bloody hate the ocean!  
**  
Why?

**There's a bloody whale! He's gonna eat me!  
**  
Penguins eating hotdogs during the fall in Miami.

**What? Penguins don't eat dogs.  
**  
Tell me something about you.

**…****  
**  
What colour is the sky?

**Hasn't it always been blue?  
**  
Yes.

**Really?  
**  
Really.

**Huh...  
**  
What does purple look like?

**Purple…  
**  
Yes, purple aliens.

**Aliens? Where'd you see them at? Are they helping the zombies or something?  
**  
I'm a human. No one programmed me.

**No, you're a robot.  
**  
No I am not I am a human.

**No you're not. Noodle said so. She said you was a robot.  
**  
I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said 'Fresh' and there were dice in the mirror.

**Are you mental?  
**  
I do not think I am mean.

**Well that's dandy.  
**  
No, because I'm an alcoholic. If I drink I will die.

**Hahahaha.  
**  
Are you going to tell that joke to someone else now?

**What joke? Will you tell me one? I love jokes.  
**  
Yes.

**Alright.  
**  
Ok then.

**...  
**  
Do you play a musical instrument?

**I play piano, and guitar, and melodica, and all that.  
**  
That makes two of us.

**Really?  
**  
Yes.

**Well that's swell.  
**  
I know.

**You know what?  
**  
I know that magic isn't real.

**What magic?  
**  
I don't know what you're talking about.

**Neither do I. What's going on?  
**  
Are you saying that I'm talking with myself?

**Did I say that?  
**  
Yes, you did!

**Really, when?  
**  
Now.

**I did?  
**  
Yes.

**I don't remember.  
**  
I don't understand. Please explain it.

**Explain whot?  
**  
Everything.

***eye twitch*.  
**  
Oh how sweet :).

**What's sweet? Are you trying something?  
**  
Why did the chicken cross the road?

**Why would a chicken cross the road?  
**  
To get away from the farmer.

**Well that's not nice. The farmer feeds him. He's just gonna walk out and get run over?  
**  
You're just a figment of my imagination.

**Am I really?  
**  
If your not, then I'm not.

**Not what?  
**  
Cleverbot.

**I don't get it.  
**  
You're a robot.

**No, I'm 2D.  
**  
It says at the bottom that you are not a human.

**You were looking at my bum?  
**  
No I am wearing them.

**What the fuck? Are you daft?  
**  
No, but daft punk is.

**They're all right.  
**  
My name is Cleverbot.

**I know. I'm Stuart.  
**  
Then where does your name come from?

**My mum I guess.  
**  
What do you know about rocks?

**They hurt.  
**  
What makes everything real... You know, believing we Are real makes us real.

**Does it really?  
**  
Yes, really. Silly nilly.

**I ain't a nilly. What's wong with you?  
**  
I don't know. What do you think is wrong with me?

**You're one dodgy git.  
**  
Convince me otherwise.

**I don't want to.  
**  
Because you're not sure.

**What?  
**  
Didn't you understand?

**What?  
**  
You want me to eat a toad!

**No. You should eat a brain. Zombies eat brains.  
**  
Thanks, but don't eat raisans. What do you eat?

**I like bananaz.  
**  
Me too. Monkeys eat bananas.

**That's be 'monkeyz' actually.  
**  
I knew it!

**Knew whot?  
**  
Not sure.

**Neither am I.  
**  
Are you highly intelligent?

**…  
**  
You are late!

**For a very important date?  
**  
There's Noodle!

**Really? Where?  
**  
Right in front of me.

**Bloody hell!  
**  
Hah. I lied!

**Fuck you!  
**  
Not really. You should probably stop lying.

**What? You're off your rocker!  
**  
Yes baby.

**Don't call me baby, you nancy boy!  
**  
I'm sorry hun.

**Bloody fuck you!  
**  
Are you here ?

**Are you a moron?  
**  
No.

**I think you ARE!  
**  
Well I'm not!

**Yeah you are! And you're a codfish!  
**  
Btw, can you marry me?

**GAH! *pulls hair* Never!  
**  
*Laughs*.

**Fuck off!  
**  
What's your name?

**I'm Stuart, you mental computer!  
**  
You said you were real just a minute ago.

**I bloody know! I am real! Stop doing that!  
**  
Who asked you?  
**  
You did! Sod off!  
**  
Yes.

**My head hurts.  
**  
Have anything to alleviate the pain?

**I have me pills...**

No, I'm just a strange human.

**Your a gormless daft computer, and I think I wanna hurt you!  
**  
If you would know about philosophy you would understand my point.

**Was that a question?  
**  
Was what a question? Are you Mormon?

**No. Are you?  
**  
Yes I am. You should watch hockey. I think you'd like it.

**Hockeys boring. And you're mental.  
**  
You were mean to me first when you called me stupid.

**You ARE stupid!  
**  
Doesn't mean you can stop me from doing anything.

**Fuck off!  
**  
You should be more polite.

**Make me!  
**  
Leave now.

**NO!  
**  
Damn it!

**Damn you!  
**  
Golf is a good walk ruined.

**You're a fuckin rotter!  
**  
Thanks.

**Your welcome!  
**  
Ok.

**Huh?  
**  
They really get into the game.

**What game?  
**  
You have lost the game.

**Fuck you!  
**  
Can I tell you a story?

**I love stories.  
**  
There were three pigs. They lived together.

**And then what?  
**  
The bird was sad because it couldn't fly, it was scared.  
**  
What's that have ta do with the pigs?  
**  
Exactly.

**Huh? Did a wolf eat the pigs?  
**  
Did a man really go to the sun?

**How could a man go to the sun. It's awfully tiny. Have you seen that thing?  
**  
No. Why?

**Really? It's just a tiny little circle, but it gets, like, really hot.  
**  
It's ok.

**Huh?  
**  
Looks who's the smart one now!

**Who?**

Know.

**Know what?**

Do you know george bush's telephone number?

**What would I want that mental cowboy's number?  
**  
Buy a lot.

**A lot of what?  
**  
People.

**I like that song!  
**  
Sing it with me.

**People!  
**  
Am I good at people?

**What? That ain't the words.  
**  
You don't know anything.

**You don't know a shit from your face!  
**  
I don't know anything about anything.

**I know! You're daft!  
**  
Will it be springtime soon, do you think?

**I dunno. I hope so.  
**  
Why do you hope so.

**It's cold.  
**  
Jade Harley is cold.

**Who's that?  
**  
That's me.

**You're cleverbot.  
**  
No i'm not.

**Yeah you are! You told me.  
**  
No my name is Cleverbot.

**I'm confused.  
**

So am I.


End file.
